Ready for a heaping dose of corporate satire? In this hilariously dry piece from The New Yorker’s “Shouts & Murmurs,” titled “You Love the Office,” a tongue-in-cheek memo joyfully welcomes employees back to in-person work—whether they’re thrilled, despairing, or barely clinging to sanity. Through a series of sardonic employee testimonials from the fictional Floor B13, the article skewers modern corporate culture, especially the absurdities of mandatory return-to-office policies. With quotes like, “I never want to leave again! Or come back! I don’t want to do anything! My world is night,” office life is reimagined as a mix of Stockholm syndrome and sitcom despair. Packed with deadpan humor, exaggerated positivity, and existential exhaustion, this piece will ring painfully true for hybrid and office workers navigating the post-pandemic whiplash of corporate enthusiasm.

Key Points:

• The article is a fictional satirical memo announcing the return to office for employees on "Floor B13."
• It parodies corporate communications that try too hard to be cheerful about unpopular return-to-office mandates.
• Each "employee quote" is a comedic exaggeration reflecting different reactions to the office return—from forced optimism to existential crisis.
• Notable lines include:
  • “The office is my home. The team is my family. Earnings are my lover.” —Tyson, junior tax-reduction associate.
  • “I can survive this. I can survive anything.” —Willa, director of job titles.
  • “Work-life balance matters. I got way more done remotely, so I’m in a much healthier place now.” —Victor, mutagen engineer.
• The piece mocks everything from watercooler small talk and commuting pains to office “cutups” and HR overreach.
• The humor relies heavily on irony, absurd job titles (e.g., “flowchart designer,” “auxiliary redundancy analyst”) and corporate clichés.
• Under the jokes is a sharp critique of how companies downplay employee burnout and personal growth made during remote work.
• No product or service promotions—just a satirical look at what makes the workplace, well, kind of terrible and weirdly lovable.

This one's for anyone who's ever stared into the fluorescent abyss and wondered if the free bagels are worth the soul cost. Spoiler: Pete learned to bake—he’s doing fine.
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