If you’ve ever had trouble “getting back into the swing of things” after a long break, this satirical piece from The New Yorker will make you feel hilariously validated. Instead of diving headfirst into productivity, the article lays out a perfectly illogical, month-by-month timeline of procrastination—ranging from avoiding work in January out of sheer caution (so as not to get "the bends") to writing off all of November in protest of "Big Effort." With each passing month, excuses get more inventive—like needing three weeks off before Earth Day in solidarity with trees, or deciding that working in August just looks desperate. By the end of the journey, December arrives, and—surprise—you never actually got started at all. It’s a sharp, funny take on the universal struggle of returning to real work after vacation, soaked in just the right amount of absurdity.

Key Points:

• January: Too risky to start back up too soon—you don’t want to get the "bends" like a reckless scuba diver.
• February: Twenty-eight days isn’t enough time to hit a productive stride, so better wait for a “real” month.
• March: Daylight savings throws off everyone's circadian rhythms, which calls for at least a week-long adjustment.
• April: April Fools’ Day makes sending work e-mails dangerous, and then Earth Day requires three weeks of reflection (because paper comes from trees).
• May: Summer vacation vibes take over way before Memorial Day. If the lazy river isn't working hard, why should you?
• July: Taking time off around the Fourth of July is patriotic, unless you hate America.
• August: Working in August would just look desperate.
• September: Emotionally recovering from summer's end calls for a Labor Month, not just a Labor Day.
• October: Financial ruin from months of sloth sets in, but you're definitely, definitely going to roll your sleeves up next month.
• November: Just kidding—better to be thankful for not falling for "Big Effort."
• December: Out-of-office message is still up from last year? Just change the date and call it a win!

This piece is a comedic masterpiece of procrastination, poking fun at how we justify never quite getting back on track. If you’ve ever put off productivity in favor of elaborate excuses, congratulations—you may have just perfected the art.
Link to Article