In this delightfully absurd and scathing satire, The New Yorker imagines a government voicemail system that’s been completely unhinged. The piece paints a surreal picture of a bureaucracy where almost everyone (except for a laid-off Bob who happens to be a cat) has been axed, leaving behind a garbled, tongue-in-cheek automated response. With absurd menu options like “press 9” to avoid triggering President Trump, replacing vaccines with “Trump Bibles,” and even a special buyout option for Melania, the satire skewers the current political and bureaucratic landscape. As the automation coldly informs you, “You have reached the U.S. government. We are currently unable to answer your call, because everyone has been fired except Bob,” the narrative mixes humor with biting criticism, exposing the absurdities of modern governance.

Key Points:

• Satirical Government Voicemail: The message is a parody of an automated government response, humorously highlighting widespread dysfunction.
• Ridiculous Menu Options: Options include avoiding a press of “9” to prevent triggering President Trump, ordering “Trump Bibles” instead of vaccines, and absurd hotlines like 183 for Melania’s buyout.
• Bureaucratic Absurdity: Departments such as the Department of Education have been humorously merged with agencies like the ATF, and even emergency protocols are trivialized, as seen with FEMA being sidelined.
• Political Jabs: The text includes cutting political commentary, referencing controversial figures and decisions, and even offers “complimentary MAGA hats” to callers.
• Memorable Quote: The article opens with the direct line, “You have reached the U.S. government. We are currently unable to answer your call, because everyone has been fired except Bob,” setting the irreverent tone.
• Humor in Detail: The message is loaded with ironic twists, absurd dial-in numbers, and outlandish stipulations, such as requiring federal employees on Mars to press 437 for remote work exemptions.

This satirical monologue serves as both a humorous and biting critique of contemporary political and governmental absurdities.
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